I’m excited to announce that I’ll be writing for The Triangle (a queer/lgbt newspaper based in the Durham-Raleigh-Chapel Hill area) in 2012 and my very first column is in the latest issue! (And pasted below for those who have an aversion to links.)
It’s going to be an interesting experiment, because thanks to the vague and threatening nature of obscenity laws, my editor has instructed me to keep my language usage in check (read: Victorian, at best). Perhaps because of this daunting task, I veered from my favorite topics of kink, gender, sex, and sexuality for this first column, but I promise there’ll be plenty of that in the future.
Dearest New Year’s Resolution Hopefuls,
I urge you to take your list of resolutions in hand and…rip it to shreds. That’s right—tear
it up, burn it, plunge it in a vat of boiling water and then throw it in the freezer. Whatever
you have to do to do away with these illusory notions. You see, January 1st is just another
day. And I fear that you might, in fact, be setting yourself up for failure by buying into
the concept of a New Year’s resolution. I’ve read varying percentages, but usually it’s
below 12% of people who actually feel they’ve had success with New Year’s resolutions.
Instead, why not adopt a new tradition of your own? Decide that we can start anew any
day of the year. (And probably should.) Each morning is a budding opportunity to arise
and commit to healthy self-care practices, expansion of the mind, and exploration of the
The chronology we use today is really quite new, considering the history of time and
those who have been tracking the stars long before the invention of the Gregorian
calendar. We have now passed through the darkest days of winter and the passing of
Solstice ushered in a journey toward longer and lighter days. Someone dear to me
once told me, when I was going through a time of great struggle, that some plants only
blossom in the darkness. It is not the light where they thrive so beautifully.
Lucy Maud Montgomery’s most notable character Anne (of Green Gables legend)
said, “‘I love to smell flowers in the dark…You get hold of their soul then.’” Get hold
of their soul. How amazing is that? I love this concept. What would it look like if, when
we came upon moments of darkness, instead of stumbling about, we closed our eyes,
embraced the dark, and took hold of our purest selves? Not pure in the puritanical sense,
but rather, in the vein of one’s truest form—who we are at our core—when we peel away
all the excess and nonsense, breathe in and out, and just be.
I participated in a silent yoga retreat recently (at a wonderful place called Stone House
in Mebane), and our instructor was telling us about how people think, “Oh, wow, a
silent retreat! What a nice, easy vacation!” She had us all breaking our silence with fits
of giggles when she said, “Yeah, those people have obviously never tried to really sit
with themselves. This is hard work!” It is challenging to sit with one’s self. But it is only
through doing the deeper, explorative work that we can come to greater understanding of
our truest selves. So, dig deep! Then deeper! And consider rejecting this silly, prescribed
notion that we resolve ourselves to make changes but once a year.
So even as our days grow brighter and our petals turn to face the elongating luminosity,
recall the dark. Corita Kent said, “Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark
moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession
of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.” Let’s cherish each moment in lieu
of glamorizing just one day. In less than a year, as we head back into long periods of
darkness, try to shift your way of thinking. Beckon the dark. And between now and then,
welcome every day as a possibility, an opening, a day to start again.
In lust, love, & all things woo,
Kiki DeLovely is a queer femme writer/performer who is new to The Triangle. Her work
has been published in Best Lesbian Erotica 2011 and 2012, Salacious magazine, Take Me
There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, and various other anthologies. Each month she
will engage in a one-sided epistolary musings on topics related to gender, sexuality, and
woo. Or really anything that may strike her fancy. (You should feel free to write her your own ruminations in return if you wish to make the conversation more multi-dimensional.) She begs of you to please not take her words too seriously (she never does!). Kiki is an erotica writer first and foremost whose tongue is habitually planted in her cheek and so learning to keep her tongue in check will be both a good challenge and learning experience. Her aim of this column is to entertain, to celebrate, and (on a really good day) to get you thinking.